Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it; Prone to leave the God I love; Here’s my heart, O take and seal it; Seal it for Thy courts above.
Sometimes Often I forget. I forget the goodness of the Lord. I forget how he convicts with a blanket of mercy and grace. I forget that He loves me. I forget He sees me and cares for me. I forget He’s personal. I forget He cares.
Instead I think: he condemns, he is disappointed in my constant failures, he forgets about me, I’m a ‘problem’ he has to put up with and he’ll get to me when he’s got time. I don’t think to ask Him for Himself. Rather, I put my attention on things that are ‘good’ for me to do: I focus on my eating, I go to the gym, I work on friendships, clean the house or read helpful books. I do everything I can think of that will ‘positively’ distract me from doing the one thing I can’t find the faith to do. Ask Him. Because what if He tells me that I’m right, He doesn’t care, He doesn’t think of me. I can’t handle the thought. So I don’t ask.
But that’s not God. And so, after I can’t take it anymore, in the midst of an impossibly heavy heart, tears streaming down my face I asked Him. Do you care? Do you see us suffering? Are you good? Do you see my heart breaking in half? There’s nothing else I can possibly do to fix this situation, will you please fix it?
He said, yes.
He cares. He loves. He’s interested. He’s paying attention. He’s fighting for me, for my family. He knows what a broken heart feels like. He knows.
Alright – I’m not one to get emotional on a blog post – but as you can see it’s been an ugly few months. Ok year. But I’m seeing light at the end of this very long, dark tunnel. Hope. I thought maybe, just maybe, I’m not the only one who needed a reminder.
Jesus sought me when a stranger; Wandering from the fold of God; He, to rescue me from danger; Interposed His precious blood; How His kindness yet pursues me; Mortal tongue can never tell; Clothed in flesh; till death shall loose me; I cannot proclaim it well.